Mon, 11/02/2009 - 00:41
“Trees are posing a growing threat to society,” said Sherif Shinyour, head of the Egyptian Logical Thinking Association.
“Everywhere you go in Cairo you see trees standing idly,” continued Shinyour, “often taking up valuable space from limited resources such as pavements, and forcing pedestrians onto the streets where they may cause damage to speeding cars.”
Indeed, recent years have seen trees implicated in a number of suspect activities. Many trees have been convicted of aiding fugitives by harboring birds infected with avian flu, as well as purposefully dropping mushy fruit on otherwise clean streets. Moreover, birds more generally have been using the leafy pests to engage Egyptians everywhere in a guerilla war based on the release of dung squirts on unsuspecting passersby.
“I was walking under some trees once when I was struck several times by white faeces on my head,” claims Manal Timbar, who says she has since learned her lesson and gotten veiled. “Still, trees need to be cut down so we can flush out the source of the dung.”
Many agree with Timbar. “These things are just ruining the view from my balcony with their stupid canopies,” says an angry Kareem Karamel. “And they’re so dumb! Every time I sawed one down for fun it just stood there. What kind of a being just stands there while you kill it? What a retarded creation!”
Likewise, Karamel’s brother had a car accident last year when he lost control of his car and a tree did not move out of the way for him. “The tree just stood there firmly as I crashed into it,” he said indignantly. “It made zero effort to get out of the way!"
It’s due to stories like these, along with the fact that trees are known to produce oxygen (a gas harmful to certain defenseless bacteria and able to cause rust in metals), that trees are now to be cut down.
“Good riddance,” says Timbar. “Now, aside from dodging parked cars, lamp posts, trash, newspaper stands, dog dung, and beggars, I can finally walk in a straight line on pavements everywhere.”