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President Morsi attempts to "get his shit together"

Written by Makarona Apr 28th, 2013
04/28/2013 - 14:59

After nearly a year of severe mismanagement, President Morsi told CNN's Christiane Amanpour in an interview last week that "Egypt will combile its faeces togezar" -- using an amusing twist on the expression relating to getting organized and thinking straight. However, since then, staff at the presidential palace have reported that an awful stench has been emanating from the president's private study. "Every morning...

Egyptian Sunni man spontaneously converts to Shia Islam

Written by Makarona Apr 3rd, 2013
04/03/2013 - 14:22

A local Sunni man reportedly converted to Shia Islam only hours after Iran announced an easing of visa restrictions for Egyptian tourists this week. The conversion took the otherwise good Sunni Muslim by complete surprise. "I don't understand how it happened," the man told Ahram Online moments before being mobbed by his neighbours, "I just woke up and suddenly found myself self-flagellating while really wishing that...

Egypt's National Salvation Front leaders caught in late night pillow fight

Written by Makarona Jan 28th, 2013
01/28/2013 - 13:40

In the early hours of Sunday the 27th of January, after a bloody weekend in Egypt that saw President Morsi formally address the nation by tweeting at 2am, the three key figureheads of Egypt's National Salvation Front (NSF) got into a pillow fight over a disagreement about who would speak first at an upcoming NSF press conference. "Me," said Moussa. "No, me," said ElBaradei. "Shotgun me!" Sabahi exclaimed. "That's...

Massive wave of stability sweeps through Egypt -- leaves millions dead

Written by Makarona Dec 23rd, 2012
12/23/2012 - 12:51

A deadly wave of stability swept through Egypt soon after the unrigged results of its constitutional referendum were announced this morning. Millions have reportedly been swept away to their deaths as the stabilizing wave crashed through Egypt’s streets, reducing the heart rate of countless citizens to a very stable zero beats per minute. Nevertheless, the wave is believed to have saved the country by bringing a...

President-elect Morsi picks agnostic bisexual vegetarian as VP

Written by Makarona Jun 27th, 2012
06/27/2012 - 19:47

In an attempt to appease Egyptian liberals concerned about an Islamist takeover, President-elect Mohamed Morsi has chosen an agnostic bisexual vegetarian for the vice-presidency. The as yet unnamed individual may be the only openly agnostic bisexual vegetarian in Egypt. According to a Muslim Brotherhood spokesman, it was extremely difficult finding an Egyptian that fit the specifications, but the MB was able to...