Sat, 05/26/2012 - 17:07
Millions of Egyptians became very ill on Friday after the first round of the presidential election revealed the front-runners as Mohamed Morsy – the clitoris-fearing but strangely cuddly-looking Muslim Brotherhood’s spare dildo – and Ahmed Shafiq – the pullover-wearing, candy-dispensing former prime minister who is rumoured to have an IQ ranging in the low 50s.
“It’s like being asked if you would rather have sex with your mother or a 5-day-old corpse,” cried revolutionary activist Tamer Molotof as he sat visibly shaking on a toilet, bursts of explosive diarrhea interjecting his words.
Diarrhea and projectile vomiting, along with a sudden loss of the will to live, have been common bodily reactions to the election results. Incidents of severe erectile dysfunction among secular activists were also reported on Friday night.
Many political analysts compared the election outcome to a game of chess – the kind where you suddenly find yourself check-mated but can’t seem to accept your fate, so instead you scream “I DON’T LIKE THIS GAME!” while angrily swatting away all the chess pieces with your forearm, then storming off childishly as you grumble to yourself, leaving the apartment, taking a taxi to the airport, and finally boarding a random flight to anywhere far away from here.
That, at least, is what some Hamdeen Sabbahi supporters reportedly tried to do, only to have their despair compounded by the fact that Egyptians can’t just board a plane to anywhere without a visa.
On Twitter, some members of the Egyptian intelligentsia admitted to having been wrong (yes, wrong) about their predictions – a highly unnatural occurrence as Twitter’s rules clearly state that tweets must be limited to 140 characters that in no way reflect humility or self-criticism.
Ultimately, as baffled Egyptians seek medical attention and try to come to terms with the status quo, Tamer Molotof’s dilemma still looms: Would you rather have sex with your mother or a 5-day-old corpse? Why responding by “neither, under any circumstance” is not being heralded as the obvious answer, remains a mystery.