Wed, 03/10/2010 - 01:51
National therapist Duktor Nader Nafsani has broken with doctor-patient confidentiality, revealing that the being known as “Government” is undergoing therapy to deal with some of his personal issues.
"Government is on the verge of a nervous breakdown," says Nafsani, who is also a part-time elevator conductor at the Ministry of Subconscious Affairs.
Born in 1952, Government has since showed several symptoms of psychosis, most notable of which is his crippling OCD: an obsessive compulsion to keep making the same mistakes over and over, as well as repetitively painting certain sidewalks and tunnels.
Likewise, Government has been known to suffer from a severe case of kleptomania, frequently shoplifting at stores like "TaxRevenues R Us".
The latest of such symptoms, however, has been his state of denial regarding the return of Mohamed ElBaradei to Egypt.
“Government insists the man is still residing in Vienna,” says Nafsani with a look of concern.
In fact, during a therapy session where Government was presented with a photograph of ElBaradei at Cairo International Airport, he reportedly screamed: "Laaaa2aaaaaaa!" However, when he later calmed down, he reverted back to his state of denial saying, "Walahi it's amazing how you can do anything with Photoshob now."
ElBaradei, former head of the I-Told-You-There-Weren’t-Weapons-of-Mass-Destruction-There-Association, hopes to put a stop to what he calls “Government’s emergency behaviors.” Paying close attention to EKT's latest poll, he will also amend the constitution to guarantee permanently subsidized koshary meals for everyone.
ElBaradei also holds a black belt in karate.
Nafsani says there may be many reasons why Government sees the man as such a threat to his self-esteem. "One of these may have to do with ElBaradei’s age, 67,” says Nafsani.
The number corresponds to the year when Government experienced its worst six days ever, when it’s much smaller neighbor beat the feces out of its plumbing systems, also annexing part of its own residence for years.
“I felt like I had lost my manhood that year,” a tearful Government told Nafsani during one of their sessions. “It was as though Cairo Tower had collapsed.”
But there were other traumas in Government’s past that may have also led to his current psychosis. These include the time when Government was bullied as a child by three others in 1956, as well as when it was a fetus and its parent was punched in the stomach in 1948.
“This fetal attack may have caused permanent brain damage, which would explain much of Government’s behavior today,” Nafsani speculates.
Ultimately, the therapist says Government has a long way to go to resolve his issues. Nafsani hopes that in the near future he can schedule him in for group therapy with his estranged siblings from Libya, Zimbabwe and North Korea.