Mon, 10/10/2011 - 13:23
Intelligence reports from the Egyptian National Security Agency have revealed that “invisible hands” were yet again behind another bloody night in Cairo. During a peaceful demonstration of Copts demanding their rights, the hands apparently hijacked a large armoured military vehicle and – while apparently sober – ran over several Coptic protesters.
Information Minister, Kalami Fasya, stated that “the invisible hands have also been found to have armed dozens of thugs during the night after angry Copts used large wooden crosses to destroy several military tanks without being provoked.”
Irrefutable evidence implicating the conniving hands has been provided by a fresh SCAF Facebook statement: “While it is impossible to see them with the naked eye, infrared sensors detected the heat signals of two very large hands hovering above Maspiro during the night. Their fingers were being rhythmically tapped together in turn – as though they were concocting an evil plan, like Mr. Burns, the Simpsons character. This is true.”
It is unclear why SCAF thought it was appropriate to refer to The Simpsons at this time.
It is also unclear where the mysterious hands themselves actually come from. Most pundits believe that while the left hand is composed of “foreign elements”, the right one is made of “felool” -- an Arabic term believed to originally refer to the so-called “skid marks” that stain the inside of a toilet after a particularly violent – or at least misdirected – bowel movement.
As to the “foreign elements” composing the left hand, these are believed to be simultaneously Saudi, American, Hamas-ian, Israeli and Iranian, along with other states, and possibly even planets, associated with this well-known allied group.
The deviant duo is believed to have been on the run since late last January, when in one of the biggest heists in the history of Egypt robberies, the hands allegedly stole the country’s “wheel of production” – a similarly invisible, but highly valuable large spinning thing that is said to drive the local economy.
The invisible hands are now even thought to be behind the infamously high rate of women having their butt cheeks groped while walking down busy Egyptian streets. "Who else could it be?" said a tense 28 year old Egyptian male virgin who can't afford to get married, and for whom tradition dictates he can only have anal sex with his girlfriend so as not to dishonour her -- something he has been unable to convince her of at the time of writing.
Currently, the interim government has vowed to renew efforts to hunt down the diabolical invisible hands so as to bring a final end to all the sectarian strife, misinformation, lack of security, economic woes, bad traffic, and sexual harassment that they are directly the cause of. Meanwhile, political activists continue to point out that the hidden hands are most likely cozily residing deep inside the pockets of the head of the SCAF.