Sun, 12/23/2012 - 10:54
A deadly wave of stability swept through Egypt soon after the unrigged results of its constitutional referendum were announced this morning.
Millions have reportedly been swept away to their deaths as the stabilizing wave crashed through Egypt’s streets, reducing the heart rate of countless citizens to a very stable zero beats per minute.
Nevertheless, the wave is believed to have saved the country by bringing a complete standstill to a dangerous, revolutionary process that threatened to transform Egypt into a non-dictatorship based on atheistic values such as basic women’s rights and similar obscenities.
Had this process succeeded, Islamist leaders warned that acts of unrestrained debauchery as depicted in the photo to the right would have become commonplace across Egypt's ahwas.
Among the other benefits of the wave, workers’ incomes are now expected to be eternally stabilized, with illiteracy rates to continue being constant and free from destabilizing threats to reduce them. Indeed, if it weren’t for illiteracy rates – which are highest amongst governorates that had the highest percentage of “Yes” votes – this stabilizing constitution may not have passed.
More importantly, the new constitution potentially now offers a progressive role for sharia to play.
“Now that sharia is more clearly defined in our new constitution, rigging, lying, manipulation and hypocrisy are finally a legitimate part of the foundation of how we conduct our political affairs,” said Essam El Balboos, one of the chief shepherds of the Muslim Brotherhood’s Freedom from Justice Party.
The constitution is also expected to usher in an era of greater "stable flexibility" for Egypt, as its articles have the unique property of being easily reinterpreted to support anything from military dictatorship to theocracy, so long as “social values and traditions” are maintained -- such as Egyptian citizens’ 7000 year old tradition of living under an authoritarian state.
Another, larger wave of stability is expected soon after a pending $4.8 billion IMF loan collapses onto Egypt, bringing with it the kind of stabilizing austerity measures that are known across the world and history to keep citizens quiet and content.