Thu, 12/09/2010 - 16:56
Veteran sexual harassers have come forward in recent weeks admitting they have “embarrassingly small balls.” It’s a condition they’ve spent their lives trying to remedy by affirming their manhood through constantly making women feel like pieces of meat, or worse, leftover sushi.
“I always go home and weigh my testes immediately after yelling ‘I SEX YOU’ at a girl on the street,” says Maged Maghsi, an unemployed bodybuilder from Shobra suffering from a condition known as “nano-nuts”.
Like many other young men, the idea that he could enlarge his testicles by harassing women first came to him when he was in his car one day with other small-balled youths. That day, Maghsi received much praise from his mates when he terrified a woman on the street by pretending to nearly run her over before yelling “bezzooooh” from his window.
“My friends were so proud of me and I just felt bigger down there, you know?” says Maghsi, who insisted that women enjoyed being harassed this way because “everyone likes attention” and “it makes them feel beautiful.”
A big believer in the Golden Rule, Maghsi says, “I believe in doing-onto-others-as-you-would-have-them-do-onto-you, and I’d certainly have women stare onto me with shameless lust while casually rubbing against me in the bus.”
However, the correlation between testicle size and the need to sexually harass women is worrying members of the male-only Egyptian Men Have Big Balls Association. Given rampant levels of sexual harassment in Egypt, this suggests that Egyptian men may have some of the smallest balls in the world.
According to feminist psychologist Nefar Mikyaj, the desire for men to have bigger balls stems from a deep-seated fear of breasts – Mikyaj claims men can’t accept that women’s are just bigger and so compensate for that by yearning for larger testes.
For bodybuilders like Maghsi, whose nano-nuts remain negligible even after years of harassing women, being able to bench press 200 kg is his only source of self-esteem. “If I wore bras,” he says proudly, “I’d probably be about a 64 B.” As he ages, he expects his gradual muscles loss will transform his man breasts into a narrower but more fatty 42 D.
Ultimately, some women, finally fed up with men’s insecurities, are now campaigning to stop sexual harassment by forcing men to get “ball jobs.” Currently, Maghsi and his other testicularly-challenged friends are already on the list to get tennis ball-sized replacements.