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Ministry of Education renamed "Violeaching Ministry"

New studies show violence mixed with teaching improves information retention

| Written by makarona

Wed, 03/24/2010 - 15:31

"FOUR ...[TAKH!]... TIMES ...[TAKH!]... FOUR ...[TAKH!]... EEKWAL ...[TAKH!]... SIXTEEN ...!!"

These were the words bellowed by primary school teacher Meestar Kashkool while he punched one of his students in the face between each pause in that sentence.

“Is it a controversial teaching method? Yes,” he answered himself in an interview with EKT. “But will that student ever forget the answer to the question of four by four equal what? No!  Yeb2a case close.”

The new teaching technique comes from the recently upgraded Education Ministry, now called Wizart Fashkh El Talameez in Arabic.

At the heart of this novel educational approach are studies conducted by The National Institute of Punishing by Punching for Learning and Education (NIPPLE), which show that facts mixed with traumatic events tend to be better remembered.

“For example,” says Kashkool, “one of my students once forgot what year WWII ended. So I punched her one thousand nine hundred and forty five times in the face, and I can assure you that once she gets out of her coma, the first words on her mouth will be that crucial date.”

One minor drawback of the revolutionary teaching method, however, is the occasional death of a student by punching.

“If you think about it, though,” says NIPPLE spokesperson, Bebbi Aleyhom, “do we really want children who die from a single punch to graduate and join our workforce? We are simply helping evolution weed out the weaklings here.”

Critics say the technique can nevertheless be abused. There have been cases of students being beaten simply for arriving late to school, with reports of some teachers getting carried away and breaking students’ arms rather than merely fracturing them -- there are even rumors that some teachers developed "signature punches" inspired by the WWE, such as the notorious "dashdish" punch captured here by EKT's undercover photographer.

Proponents counter these claims by arguing that critics cannot blame teachers for taking out their personal issues on students: “That would be like holding police accountable when they use brutality,” says Aleyhom in a knock-out argument.

Currently, plans are underway to build new schools equipped with “sodom-seats”.  These state-of-the-art chairs automatically violate students when new information is imparted. The technology is proving to be a great way to traumatize children, "simultaneously reducing incidences of constipation, while also teaching male students about the dangers of homosexuality," says the new national curriculum.

“More importantly," says Aleyhom, "it will help lessen the physical strain put on our teachers by automating the source of the trauma.”

Ultimately, NIPPLE is excited to extend its philosophy to other areas. Brewing on the horizon are plans to help train parents raise their kids using the same methodology, with books already being published by the organization such as "How to Punch an Infant Without Causing Brain Damage" and "Discipling your Fetus: How to 'kick back' without risking miscarriage."

Morta

Thu, 03/25/2010 - 20:06

Sadly, I don't consider this to be too outlandish. After 15 of registered earth life in a country where more woman are fully convinced that men have the right to hit them than the actual men doing the hitting, my brain has been exhausted to digest anything. I even have scenarios built in my head of what could possibly happen in this country in the coming 10 years. I'd be an excellent candidate for your website :D

HM

Sat, 03/27/2010 - 21:47

Reinforcing the claims of NIPPLE, famous Egyptian scientist doctor Ahmed Zewail admitted that hitting himself with a plastic ruler 15 times on the inner elbow is the real inspiration behind his genius femtosanya discovery.

Concerned Expatriate

Sat, 04/10/2010 - 17:20

I envy the Egyptian citizen's privileges as they are provided with a good beating during their school years to become great scholars. Chased by the police in the streets to become great sprinters and marathon runners and fed bullshit by their leaders to heighten their spirits.
So there you are....food for the mind, body and soul.

Pita Parade

Fri, 05/28/2010 - 08:36

In the U.S., if a teacher lays a hand on a student they can be sued for: sexual harassment, abuse, battery, beating, etc.

A teacher lays a hand on a student in Egypt. w eih ya3ni

Anonymous

Sun, 08/22/2010 - 10:13

excerpt from a diary:
...what goes around comes around. never looking back while learning how to throw a boomerang taught me a valuable lesson: never throw a boomerang when alone, in crowds makes it more fun and you can always blame the guy next to you. this concept helped me in my career stepping on other shoulders to get where I want to be, the occasional "takh" method applied from my early infant years. Now that I am on top, I stopped throwing boomerangs, or do I? In worst case I punch my wife when things go wrong, or do I?
Why am I bleeding again from my nose? Also I gotta see a doctor about those weird headaches lately...

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