Thu, 11/26/2009 - 15:48
Egyptian grooms can now complain to the Consumer Protection Agency if their brides “are missing a hymen, or are otherwise faulty,” according to the new law.
If the marital product, also known as “woman”, is found without the highly-prized tissue still intact, bride consumers can return the damaged commodity within 7 days of trying it out, in which case they will then receive compensation from its manufacturer, or “parent”.
Contrary to unpopular belief, Egyptian women are expected to preserve their hymens at least until their wedding day.
The new law is a response to a growing trend of more and more marital products falsely presenting themselves as first-hand goods, when in fact other consumers had tested them out secretly before. “Imagine spending LE200,000 on a new car then finding out some other prick had taken it for a ride before you?” says Moneer El Modage3, an avid car collector and Middle East hymen expert.
This sentiment is shared by a majority of Egyptian bride consumers and manufacturers, known for often violently disposing of marital products if the treasured bubble wrap goes missing before the so-called "entry night".
“The manufacturer of my ex tried to tell me my purchase was damaged only due to frequent horseback riding in its past,” said one disgruntled bride consumer, “but in the end I got a refund and bought a new model with a longer expiration date.”
Saudi conservative leader Imar Wekhimar, a frequent visitor to Egypt, praised the new law, though with some reservations. “Quality control in marital products is long overdue,” he said between sips of fermented grapes, “I just wish they extended it to young boys too.”
Not all Egyptians are happy with the new law, however – particularly the XX-based gender. A minority of extreme “liberals” are arguing that the so-called marital products are in fact conscious, claiming that consumers should be more concerned with what’s inside the head-shaped region, rather than obsess about the one time-use tissue.
“Ha!” says El Modage3, “What’s next? Stop sexually harassing them in the streets?!” Justifiably, El Modage3 and other consumers are worried that attaching any real value to “women” themselves may interfere with the ongoing 7000 year old plan for men to rule the universe.