Wed, 11/11/2009 - 12:12
A vegetarian from Zamalek called Khaled Kharshoof has been arrested for engaging in “queer behavior”, say officials. If sentenced, Kharshoof will be jailed on charges of blasphemy, plant hatred, terrorism, and intentionally trying to harm the food chain.
The authorities were alerted to Kharshoof's suspicious activities after he was spotted several times leaving Mo'men fast-food chains with only a packet of French fries and a soft drink.
Contrary to popular belief, vegetarians do not in fact eat meat, and some anthropologists believe that certain radicalized vegetarians refrain even from fish.
“It’s just not natural,” states convicting officer Tarek Abu Bezza while chewing on a Fried Viagra sandwich from Cook Door. “If you don’t eat meat then what’s next? Gay marriages? Democratic elections?? Ahahahaha!”
Furious meat-eaters have accused Kharshoof of disrupting nature’s food chain, with some claiming that his actions caused a butterfly effect that culminated with some giraffes at Giza Zoo using their necks to beat lions unconscious before eating them.*
Egypt’s Green Peace office has issued a statement urging authorities to make an example of Kharshoof for eating too many plants. “This plant hater may well be the very source of global warming,” said the statement, adding, “If he’s allowed to continue munching on nature’s carbon dioxide breathers, he should be held accountable for any rise in sea-levels.”
Kharshoof claims his motives are to reduce unnecessary suffering to animals. Yet, according to his parents, who disowned him last Eid for refusing to eat his auntie's home-made kebab, Kharshoof also engages with other queer ideas and behaviours, including daily exercise and even meditation.
“This can only mean one thing,” says officer Abu Bezza sternly, “Only terrorists exercise every day and sit down deep in thought – he was up to something.”
Whatever Kharshoof’s plan was, Abu Bezza assures El Koshary Today that security officers will be using carrots, cucumbers and other elongated vegetables to pump the answer out of him. Abu Bezza concludes: “Let’s see how much he likes vegetables after we’re done with him – Ahahahaha!”
*Other possible causes for the giraffes’ behavior at Giza Zoo include insanity, boredom, or being fed too much foul and tameya.