Tue, 11/01/2011 - 13:46
The Obama administration has promised to provide Israel with 2.3 billion fellatios – also known as “blow jobs” – as recompense for failing to stop the rest of the world from voting Palestine into UNESCO.
The 2.3 billion fellatios are expected to be performed personally by President Obama himself – a feat that would take him approximately 30631 years to complete, presuming the average time to orgasm from fellatio is seven minutes.
At this time it remains unclear whether any single human being is capable of ingesting that much Israeli seminal fluid, even if over a period of thirty millennia. Nevertheless, Obama has promised Israelis “change we can believe in” in terms of their oral sex lives.
It is understood that Israeli President Netanyahu will be standing by President Obama’s side throughout the ordeal, patting his back in support while noting the various reported nutritional benefits implicated in the act.
The acceptance of Palestine into UNESCO is seen as a serious threat to Israeli sovereignty and the peace process, as the organization’s stated purpose is “to contribute to peace and security by promoting international collaboration through education, science and culture in order to further universal respect for justice, the rule of law, and human rights” -- a clear danger.
A White House spokesperson elucidated the point: “This is a stark conflict of interest. Palestinians need to choose: do they want peace with Israel, or do they want to just join organizations that promote peace? Which is it exactly?”
The White House also noted that this was not a good time for Palestine to be “preserving its few remaining cultural sites using UNESCO,” as these sites were likely to be demolished anyway to make room for more Jewish settlements.
Meanwhile, feminist groups in Israel have complained that the compensation package is void of any cunnilingus -- better known as “muff diving” -- and have accused Washington of blatant sexism.
The White House has responded to the allegations by noting that any sizable cunnilingus-based package would simply require far more time to complete, adding that President Obama already has a stiff neck from the number of times he “turned the other cheek” after being bitch slapped by President Netanyahu in the past months alone.
It is expected that the US will perform a far more kinky sex move to stop Palestine from receiving full recognition as a state at the UN Security Council later this month. The act will involve President Obama donkey slapping most of the world’s representatives in order to stop their vote from counting. This move is also known as a “veto”.