Wed, 11/04/2009 - 20:00
The USA has recently left planet Earth in search of a new home beyond the solar system. Having grown tired of dominating the world for decades, the world’s sole superpower decided it was time to spread democracy and search for oil elsewhere in the galaxy.
“Our work here is done,” said a cool and collected President Obama before the US landmass launched off. “I promised change we can believe in for my fellow Americans, and that promise can now be fulfilled as NASA scientists have found that conditions just beyond the crab nebula might be more conducive to agreeing on a better health care plan."
Obama humbly added: “It has taken the United States of America 60 years to realize it, but we now know that the only way to end most of the world’s problems, be it global warming, puppet dictators, extremism, or sheer inequality, is for us get the fuck out of here, if you’ll pardon my French.”
Fox News, which has been left behind by the Obama administration (“We’re taking enough manure with us,” said the White House), has homed in on the president’s use of the F word, noting, “It is clear that despite the president’s so-called eloquence, he is still not able to completely escape black people’s need to constantly swear.”
For the remaining nations of Earth, the departure of the US has been met with a mix of “Yays” and “Oh-nos,” with “Yays” coming from most countries, and “Oh-nos” coming from Israel.
After the dozens and dozens of formerly US-vetoed UN resolutions against Israel suddenly took effect, this small, geographical misfit at the heart of so much trouble for the past 60 years was promptly relocated south of Canada to a tiny landmass that chipped off the state of Nebraska as it took off.
Dismay at the US departure has also been felt in England, where British Prime Minister Gordon Brown publicly frowned while asking, “But whose ass will I kiss now?”
Chinese President Hu Jintao responded to Mr. Brown the next day on state television by saying, "Mine!" President Hu was speaking only in jest, an increasingly common occurrence as China is becoming significantly more easy going and relaxed now that the US has pulled out of the 2012 Olympics.
For Egypt, while the economy lies in tatters, and with starvation ensuing among the poor masses now that McDonald's closed down, hope still remains. Former Muslim Brotherhood spokesman, Anakont Met3asseb, said: “Now that the US and its puppet dictators are finally off our backs, the stubbornness can end and I can finally shave this damned beard.” Met3asseb suffered for years from beard dandruff.
Yet no joy has been felt more than by El Koshary Today. Our editors have issued a statement saying: “Finally, with the US gone from the planet, nobody will now be able to say we are copying The Onion. And with America’s food chains now a thing of the past, Koshary outlets can prosper everywhere.”