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USA Tired of World Domination – Leaves Planet

“Our work here is done,” explains President Obama

| Written by makarona

Wed, 11/04/2009 - 20:00

The USA has recently left planet Earth in search of a new home beyond the solar system. Having grown tired of dominating the world for decades, the world’s sole superpower decided it was time to spread democracy and search for oil elsewhere in the galaxy.

“Our work here is done,” said a cool and collected President Obama before the US landmass launched off. “I promised change we can believe in for my fellow Americans, and that promise can now be fulfilled as NASA scientists have found that conditions just beyond the crab nebula might be more conducive to agreeing on a better health care plan." 

Obama humbly added: “It has taken the United States of America 60 years to realize it, but we now know that the only way to end most of the world’s problems, be it global warming, puppet dictators, extremism, or sheer inequality, is for us get the fuck out of here, if you’ll pardon my French.”

Fox News, which has been left behind by the Obama administration (“We’re taking enough manure with us,” said the White House), has homed in on the president’s use of the F word, noting, “It is clear that despite the president’s so-called eloquence, he is still not able to completely escape black people’s need to constantly swear.”

For the remaining nations of Earth, the departure of the US has been met with a mix of “Yays” and “Oh-nos,” with “Yays” coming from most countries, and “Oh-nos” coming from Israel.

After the dozens and dozens of formerly US-vetoed UN resolutions against Israel suddenly took effect, this small, geographical misfit at the heart of so much trouble for the past 60 years was promptly relocated south of Canada to a tiny landmass that chipped off the state of Nebraska as it took off.

Dismay at the US departure has also been felt in England, where British Prime Minister Gordon Brown publicly frowned while asking, “But whose ass will I kiss now?”

Chinese President Hu Jintao responded to Mr. Brown the next day on state television by saying, "Mine!" President Hu was speaking only in jest, an increasingly common occurrence as China is becoming significantly more easy going and relaxed now that the US has pulled out of the 2012 Olympics.

For Egypt, while the economy lies in tatters, and with starvation ensuing among the poor masses now that McDonald's closed down, hope still remains. Former Muslim Brotherhood spokesman, Anakont Met3asseb, said: “Now that the US and its puppet dictators are finally off our backs, the stubbornness can end and I can finally shave this damned beard.” Met3asseb suffered for years from beard dandruff.

Yet no joy has been felt more than by El Koshary Today. Our editors have issued a statement saying: “Finally, with the US gone from the planet, nobody will now be able to say we are copying The Onion. And with America’s food chains now a thing of the past, Koshary outlets can prosper everywhere.”

Zalabia

Thu, 11/05/2009 - 00:38

NICE.. V. NICE
love it

Anonymous

Thu, 11/05/2009 - 10:53

you guys are good! Keep it up!

zzVision

Thu, 11/05/2009 - 12:51

Oh nooo! That means no more Promised Disney Land on weekends!
At least, I will try to look at the bright side, Egypt can finally invade Sudan.

Anonymous

Thu, 11/05/2009 - 21:45

I guess with so much outer-space movies produced by Holywood , the US will be able to integrate very quick in their new home :) , but my question is : will Candi-Rice leave as well? Is it possible to keep Kate Moss, Demi Moore and Jessica Alba on planet Earth? and what about Jazz music, pop art and hip hop ? will they get the F***k out of here as well? :) , some of us will miss the US departure , after all there is more in America than it´s politics :)

Ali

Sun, 11/08/2009 - 15:20

On behalf of the Zambian Institution for Bitchy and Bored Youth (ZIBBY) i would like to send all our respect to this newspaper!
Job well Done

Happy Ed

Tue, 11/17/2009 - 00:31

That was awesome!
It's sad that it didn't actually happen though.. that would really be something..

Keep up the fantastic journalism,
Happy Ed

P.S. Cheers for the FOX comment

the spelling nazi

Wed, 11/25/2009 - 09:05

“But whose ass will I kiss now?” is not really british. Its supposed to be
“But whose ARSE will I kiss now?”

G!

Wed, 11/25/2009 - 13:54

I LOVE it!and i love EKT.

You are the living proof of Egypt's USP: Nothing can beat egyptian humor.
And it is, beside football, the only common thing to find in all social classes.

You have quite a growing number of supporters and fans! So thank you and keep it up.

Salamat.

Corn-Fed American

Tue, 12/08/2009 - 08:14

Love it! I hate to think that we would leave all of you with that foul detritus that is Fox 'News' though. Perhaps we could take them with us halfway and then launch them into deep space.

Anonymous

Wed, 12/16/2009 - 12:45

PLEASE SEND OBAMA AND HIS CRONIES TO OUTER SPACE AND SAVE US ALL... LEAVE THE REST OF US HOME WITH THE GREAT FAIR AND BALANCED FOX NEWS!!!! JUST STARTED READING YOUR PAPER... GREAT IDEA.. HUMOR IS A WONDERFUL MEDIUM... WE ALL NEED IT. AM LOOKING FORWRD TO VISITING YOUR WONDERFUL COUNTRY NEXT YEAR

Aboul-Romy

Sun, 12/27/2009 - 04:12

"Fox News, which has been left behind by the Obama administration (“We’re taking enough manure with us,” said the White House)..."

Truly Epic.

Anonymous

Thu, 02/04/2010 - 22:42

Would the writers please consider adding some romance to their articles in order to enrich the meaning. Thus they are able to attract readers from both genders living on this planet.

Deen

Fri, 12/10/2010 - 16:22

I love this writing, its actually good journalism. I am an American living in Alexandria (completing my graduate studies in Arabic) and I turn to your website whenever Egyptian life becomes unbearable. @ Anonymous: Fox News is a quasi-news organization whose claim to "fair and balanced" news is as transparent as Sarah Palin's bra-strap. Then again, if you like that sort of reporting, you will love Egypt's media culture, very fair and balanced. !الأمريكية جاهل ، من فضلك ، يجب أن تذهب إلى الجامعة

khawaga

Tue, 10/11/2011 - 10:51

damn, they left without me, while i was lost in the sinai.
so i guess it's up to me, and me alone to say,

"hey, this site reminds me of the onion!"

alas, now that the onion is gone, SOMEONE has to pick up the slack.

well done people, we absolutely need to be informed about important issue here, such as that b*stard microbus driver who insists on reasonable driving standards. he is a disgrace to his fellow microbus drivers. just tell me where to find him -- i've looked everywhere from beni suef to sharm el sheikh and i can find neither hair nor hide of the son-of-a-b*tch.

Anonymous

Thu, 06/07/2012 - 18:47

This sounds so dumb just like what feminists say when asked how a world without men would be. If US goes, then there is going to be a major war and lot of things would just collapse.

American in Cairo

Sun, 12/23/2012 - 16:45

This is wonderful! No wonder I voted for Obama!! Thanks to my friend who posted the wave of stability piece on FB. I'll be reading you regularly and sharing with all my friends, Egyptian and expat. Great work!

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