Mon, 10/26/2009 - 01:53
Ever feel so enraged by idiotic drivers cutting you off that you broke a tooth because of how hard you clenched your jaw? Indeed, studies show that most Cairene drivers have as few as three real teeth remaining after just five years of driving in Cairo. And while techniques to help drivers deal with road rage vary from putting a purple crystal by your dashboard to ward off negative energy, to singing along with Celine Dion’s My Heart Will Go On, most rageaholic drivers know these methods don’t really work.
So what to do? How do you handle the next moronic driver who presses your anger buttons?
“Kill ‘em,” recommends controversial psychiatrist Magdy Denjar. Denjar is one of Egypt’s most prominent psychiatrists, and with a background in ninjitsu, you may want to listen to him.
“No I’m not joking,” Denjar affirmed with a gleam of murder in his eyes when El Koshary Today asked him “Are you joking?”
“First, get a gun,” he explains. “Keep it under your car seat. The next time someone cuts you off, or leaves their indicator signaling to the left while they moronically slowly drift to the right, maneuver your car next to them, and shoot them squarely in the temple.”
Denjar suggests that to make the most of this therapeutic homicide, follow these basic steps: Remember to breathe slowly. First inhale as you take aim, and as you press down on the trigger, slowly exhale while visualizing waves of blue light washing over your body, slowly cleansing you and allowing you to clear away any negative thoughts your victim may have encouraged you to have.
The technique, called by Denjar “they deserve it” therapy, has proven very popular amongst Cairo’s drivers. “I used to chant ‘Omm’ when someone cut me off, but now I just kill the bastard,” says one serene former rageaholic.
Another fan of Denjar’s hot new technique says: “I once believed that since I can’t control how other people drive, I simply have to accept and adapt, or else I would never attain enlightenment. Now I realize I can control how others drive, I can just kill them.”
One of the side effects of this therapeutic method is the frequent need to kill witnesses as well. “The first time I killed,” says Khaled Khayef, “it was very challenging because I also had to murder the four other drivers who saw me, and they weren’t driving badly at all.” Khayef adds, however, that he’s used to it now, and in fact employs the same technique at the office: “If one of my employees really pisses me off by showing up late or something, I just BANG! And that’s it.”
For clients like Khayef, Magdy Denjar’s therapeutic technique is life-changing. “I’ve never felt so spiritually awakened like this,” says a teary-eyed Khayef. “I actually feel like my aura is just gushing with beautiful rainbow energy.”