Thu, 12/02/2010 - 20:02
A recent study by the Egyptian Meditation Ministry has shown that people engaged in positive thinking are twelve times more likely to be disappointed on a daily basis.
Lead researcher Kebeer El Guruhat told EKT that “mantras such as ‘I am a confident person’ or ‘I am attractive to the opposite sex’ only help set people up for disappointment whenever they enter a social setting and re-realize they are neither.”
The study also uncovered that positive thinkers, aside from being generally quite annoying people to be around, are three times more likely to develop cancer due to their continued attempts to repress the realization of how crappy life really is.
For example, Cairo commuters who are known to say things like “come on, traffic is not THAT bad” tend to develop a rare kind of buttock cancer due to the degree to which they repress the reality of the situation (though the cancer in this case is possibly also due to prolonged sitting periods on microbus seats – known to be radioactive from accumulating gas over the years).
The Egyptian government is capitalizing on this research by launching a campaign to point out that those hopeful for better living standards are only setting themselves up for disappointment, and possibly cancer.
The campaign, called OnlyCynicsSurvive, emphasized that people positively thinking, “It’s only a matter of time before the president goes the way of the dodo,” are in for a major let down due to new life-extending technologies.
As a solution, Kebeer El Guruhat and his colleagues suggest adopting “hopeless thinking” as a healthier and less annoying alternative to positive thinking.
They point to the case of Mohamed Mafshookh, who for years told himself “My marriage will work out, my marriage will work out.” But that did not stop his wife beating him up every weekend after coming home drunk late at night with suspicious white stains on her blouse.
However, when Mafshookh shifted to hopelessly thinking “My wife’s a complete whore,” he found he was pleasantly surprised and even grateful on days when she was too wasted to beat him up with any real force.
“This is the key,” says Kebeer El Guruhat, “because hopeless thinking makes you have such low expectations, it becomes easy to appreciate the good things that positive thinking usually conceals. In the case of Mafshookh, it's the occasional lighter beating."
Hence, one mantra suggested by OnlyCynicsSurvive is “President Mubarak is immortal” – a powerfully hopeless thought that may leave some pleasantly surprised one day, though that remains to be seen.