Tue, 10/20/2009 - 23:43
The Good Food for Every Egyptian Center has recently unveiled disturbing study results that paint a dire picture of bread. The baked mix of flour and water has been found to be consumed by more than 97% of convicted criminals, with more than 90% of crimes committed within 24 hours of consuming it.
Lead researcher Haseb Khayeb stated “that bread is now being found to cause many of the problems we see in modern society today. Indeed, we have found that half of all children growing up in bread consuming households, remarkably, score below average on standardized tests.”
Bread is made from a hazardous substance known as “dough”. It is now known that as little as 450 grams of it can suffocate a mouse – humans currently consume significantly more per month.
Did you know? People have had more car accidents while eating bread than while talking on their mobile phones …
The study has also noted that bread requires a temperature as high as 240 degrees Celsius in order to bake. Adults are now known to quickly die at such temperatures.
Crucially, primitive tribal societies without bread have been found to suffer from lower rates of cancer, osteoporosis, and Alzheimer’s. However, it is as yet unknown whether this is directly due to the lack of bread in their diet, or because members of such societies tend to be consumed by tigers sand other fauna before old age.
Did you know? Hitler regularly consumed bread …
Perhaps most disturbingly, however, the study has revealed that bread can often act as a “gateway” foodstuff, leading consumers to harder items, including jam, cheese, and in some cases, meat. And, to top it off, Dr. Khayeb added, “Bread is addictive. During trails we conducted here at our labs, we found that humans deprived of food and only given water started begging for bread in as little as two days. Let me be clear, bread is dangerous!”
A more positive note, however, is that local authorities have begun taking action against the threat of bread. While subsidies on the staple food have by and large protected it from inflation, the offset of this is that the days when this perilous commodity came in the size of old music records are now over, and it now comes in the more benign size of mini-discs.
The change in size has not gone unnoticed by the addicted masses, however, and as one Dokki resident battling a life-long addiction to the substance told El Koshary Today: “At least these smaller proportions will encourage the poor to quit this horrible addiction and eat other, more affordable, and healthier food items.”
Did you know? Eating bread in Ramadan can even negatively affect your fast …
EKT would like to take the initiative by asking all its readers to demand that the selling of bread to minors be made promptly illegal, and designate bread-free zones around the city.
Perhaps it’s time to place this menace outside the realm of our diets, and reclaim the health and intelligence of our former tribal days.
The Story of One Man's Battle against Bread-Addiction
It all started when my mother made me, what was considered back then, an innocent falafel sandwich. Till this day I remember the taste of the bread as I chewed it over, and over, and over again. At the time there was no way of making the connection, but it was that very same day I first got a D in a math quiz at school.
Before I was cured, bread dominated my entire life. I had it for breakfast, lunch, even dinner sometimes. Now look at me! I am 43; I wear glasses, I am bald, and my knees hurt when I jump from really high places. It is a sad life. But I thank God each day that I now no longer suffer from bread consumption. I thank God for introducing me to the greatest cure of all time … koshary.