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2-0! Concrete Evidence that Prayer Works

"There's no other explanation for Egypt's win against Algeria," says sheikh

| Written by makarona

Sun, 11/15/2009 - 00:48

One miraculous goal within a moment of the game’s beginning, followed by another miraculous goal within a moment of the game’s ending – a coincidence?

“No!” says Sheikh Shawerma, a renowned authority on the science of halal meat as well as holy sports such as archery and home-made explosives. “This is evidence that Allah did in fact hear our prayers,” he affirmed.

Indeed, how could God not have heard? With a nation-wide campaign that included giant billboards and radio commercials encouraging citizens to pray for victory, the Arabic phrase ya rab, or Oh God! (to be read in a pleading, non-love-making tone) was virtually on all 80 million Egyptian tongues for the past several days.

“We just could not compete with that,” said the defeated Algerian team’s football coach. “There are only 35 million people in Algeria wallah – we just could not get enough prayers in to outweigh the Egyptian ones unfortunately.”

Indeed, the finding that intensity of prayer, rather than skill or effort, is the determining factor of sporting results makes logical sense. Sheikh Shawerma explains: “Why do you think Brazil is so good at football? They have over 190 million people! And America, yes they are not very good, but that is because its 300 million are too busy praying about baseball and basketball! And as for China and India with their billions, well, we all know they are praying to the wrong source, may Allah have mercy on them.”

Sheikh Shawerma believes that Indonesians (230 million) could do much better at sports, as well as avert many natural disasters, if only they improved their Arabic pronunciation while praying.

Regardless, the new evidence is already changing how many people live their lives. “I’m so glad I don’t have to study anymore,” says Ahmed Ahmed Ahmed, a 23 year old in his last year of thanaweya amma. “Now I understand that it’s just a matter of praying harder for better results this year.”

Government officials have likewise embraced the new evidence with a sigh of relief. “It’s so good to know that the rates of unemployment, poverty and ignorance have nothing to do with our incompetence,” said one ministry figure. “This finally proves that corruption and inefficiency are irrelevant factors – we just needed to employ more people to pray for better living conditions.”

Indeed, even now all Egyptians are praying hard, very hard, for the upcoming rematch in Khartoum. So, at ease Abu Treka and Amr Zaki – you take the next few days off. Egypt’s got you covered. Insha'allah ...

Amr

Sun, 11/15/2009 - 13:27

I was wondering how many employees must be working (praying) for El Koshary, given the good quality of its articles. Or maybe you created one of these facebook groups that crowd sources prayers, that would be a smarter use of web 2.0 concepts.

Which brings me to an important point, I was thinking of starting a prayer agency, where you can rent as many people as you want, give them the prayer you would like and they will recite it for as long as you pay them. This particular job requires no skill and I think might be the government's answer to unemployment. Given the portability of prayers across the globe, we may also start exporting prayers, no customs, no shipping no fuss.

Of course a lot of people would abuse the fact that their clients cant see the prayer agents and start lying about their number and their existence. I am therefore calling on the government to create a prayer watchdog that ensures that people are praying when they are being paid to. Of course there would be 2 levels of service, the shared prayer and the private prayer. Shared prayer means that the same person might be serving a number of people at the same time, or maybe conducting their own activities while praying, this does not offer the best results but is definitely cheaper and does the job on small issues. The private prayer means that the your prayer agent is fully dedicated to you, and an issue with someone else's prayer cannot affect you like with a shared prayer. Other options include a 24 hour prayer agent, (2 agents over 12h shifts) who you may instruct to change prayers at any time using live chat technology (msn). There are more offers in the pipeline but this was just to give you a taster.

To El Koshary Editors: You are cordially invited to cover the opening ceremony of the Prayer Agency. I hope to see you there.

cucko

Sun, 11/15/2009 - 14:20

I afraid we lose in khartoom, because after match we don't pray:(
after match we drive in wrong direction, and we scream masrawy.. instead of screaming "allah did it!", and drive toward mecca.
after match we jumped and danced(standing) on top of rich folks' expensive cars, instead of burning them because we know the money that bought them was haram.
I know we got allah pissed off now.. I know we lose in Khartoom because allah will come back at us with all his might

Ameen.
Ameena.
Ahmad.

Quazimodo

Sun, 11/15/2009 - 20:55

هذا وقد قرر السيد الرئيس محمد حسنى مبارك، تعين عماد متعب نائباً لرئيس الجمهورية، كما قام عمرو زكى صباح اليوم، بحلف اليمين الدستورية، واستلام مهامُه كرئيساً للوزراء.. وعلى صعيدٍ آخر، قام الرئيس ايضاً بإلزام كلاً من نيلى وشريهان بعمل فوازير رمضان 2010 ، بُناءً على طلب من حسن شحاتة، المدرب العام للمنتخب الوطنى.. وذلك لاعطاء لاعبين المنتخب دفعة معنوية قوية خلال مبارايات كأس العالم فى جنوب افريقيا، والتى ستقام اغلبها فى شهر رمضان الكريم

algerian

Mon, 11/16/2009 - 02:13

you're deeply stupid, greatly jerk and extremely idiot...ya Mr Makarona. a lousy joke from people who kill supporters for football and pretend to be civilized and strong. you say you will represent arabs in the worldcup: I'm not proud of being represented by such people...YOU SUCK...

Amir Sarhan

Mon, 11/16/2009 - 12:58

poor Jordanians they will never win anything :(

Charafantah

Mon, 11/16/2009 - 13:29

People getting paid to pray for you! we already have done that long time ago!!! what do you think all these beggars (sha7eteen) are doing? :)

7asana 2aleela temna3 balawy ketira, w haneyalak ya fa3el el kheir wel sawab!

You just need to customize the prayers according to your needs while you pay.

Cha

Mon, 11/16/2009 - 13:45

well I have to admitt, I really laughed reading ur article, u've got some witty sense of humour :)

I thought so too in the begining when I first heard the campaign. But after some thought, it started to make sense to me. I'm not really a religious person, as a matter of fact religions don't make much sense to me. But I do believe in the coherence of this universe, there is a great source out there uniting everything together.

I'm not saying that prayers alone will do miracles, u must work for it as hard as u can. but then if u pray for it sincerely & passionately from deep inside your heart, your prayers won't go unnoticed.
Multiply this by 80 mil on the day of the match & the universe will conspire to help u. (@ least the post did in the first 2 minutes ;)

To Algerian

Mon, 11/16/2009 - 19:18

Last time I checked Egypt and Algeria were competing to represent AFRICA in the World Cup, not ARABS.

شاب مؤمن

Mon, 11/16/2009 - 23:20

يااااا ه
يا لها من معجزة
و لعل هذا يكون دليلا علي كل المشككين الذنادقة.. ها هي المعجزات نعيشها لحظة بلحظة

ملحوظة:

الشيخ احمد حامل مفاتيح الكعبة حلم بابو تريكة لابس ابيض في احمر و بيجيب عشر تجوان علي سهوة

إرسلها لخمسة و تخش الجنة + مصر تجيب عدد 1 جول (هو كومبو كدة).. و إذا لم ترسلها ستسمع خبر وحش فشخ

Anonymous

Tue, 11/17/2009 - 10:34

I know one of at least one person who isn't happy about this finding.
Jamal Mubarak.

Person who shat himself laughing

Tue, 11/17/2009 - 11:28

I think i just shat myself laughing!!!

actually it was a shart...fuck...now it smells bad too

Ranya

Wed, 11/18/2009 - 10:24

It’s a pity that so many of you have such a low opinion of prayers. I understand your frustration is how Egyptians are applying to concept of turning to god to ask for something. But prayer is a beautiful thing.

I sincerely hope all of you get to experience the joy of asking god for something no matter how trivial and have it happen. The connection you will feel with god is indescribable.

Secularist

Wed, 11/18/2009 - 14:19

Ranya, I think that the low opinions that many might have of prayers is not just because of how people can turn God into this slot machine that could be coerced into a jackpot if you beg it enough...

The low opinion extends further to the fact that people who pray for things always assume that the fact that they came true, can only mean that God answered their prayer - they skip over the fact that sometimes, praying involved or not, things just happen your way. Not because the cosmic ruler got out of his way to make it happen because you begged him, but because in the same way that "poop happens", good things sometimes just happen too ... irrespective of how intensely you prayed.

Another secularist/Proud athiest

Thu, 11/19/2009 - 16:22

Ranya

What happens if two very pious and religious people pray for opposite things?

Why would this god choose to support one and not the other?

Why would one person's prayers be answered resulting in his joy and the other person's dismay?

Does the god split the difference and give them both what they want or does the god choose one person this time, and the other person the next time?

Oh, so many questions for this god that no one sees or hears.

Anonymous

Mon, 11/23/2009 - 00:39

shame on you... this is not funny...if u think this is clever well let me tell u that u guys have managed to seem big headed arrogant fools who one will regret every single word u published..SHAME ON YOU!!and by the way our religion sez 2e3qel-ha wa tawkal so yes we believe in strong effort and building of skills but altawfeeq men 3end Allah ONLY!!So begad e7'batto rasko fel 7eyt if this is too hard to get through ur thick skulls, Mr/Mrs. Kofta.

Proud Creationist

Wed, 11/25/2009 - 14:40

Proud Atheist, evolution is gay, so is Darwin.

Ranya, I'm sorry, but prayer has nothing to do with winning a game.

One of the Atheists / Secular Humanists

Fri, 11/27/2009 - 03:00

I haven't read everything, just the title and connection, but after what happened lately, you might want to reconsider the prayer theory. Or you might just believe that Algerian prayed more this time.

Anonymous

Wed, 12/09/2009 - 18:12

Indonesians (230 million) could ... avert many natural disasters, if only they improved their Arabic pronunciation while praying.

LOL !

Aboul-Romy

Sun, 12/27/2009 - 12:05

Prayer can be a beautiful thing for the pious, but as one of the guys/girls/things above states, it doesn't necessarily apply to all the goings-on of the world. While God (from a religious perspective) allows things to happen, sometimes benefiting one people and not another, it doesn't mean that prayers are necessarily always factored in.

Also, please note that the article isn't a swing at prayer, it's a swing at commercialized prayer, i.e. kol elmasreyyeen bey2oolo ya rab, and the concept that prayer is a provable step in the cause and effect chain.

Don't get me started on these; advertisements for prayers are like... your tailor offering circumcisions or your poodle asking for the time...

And Darwin wasn't gay, he was just weird.

Anonymous

Thu, 01/07/2010 - 14:58

Is there anything bad being gay? Are we still at that? Each of us is different and unique and has the right to have their own feelings which ever they are, as long as there is mutual respect.

This article is humourous and very funny too, and seriously the only argument should be: a football match matters so much just because a lot of advertisers' money is put in it, and lots of economic interests revolve around it, and because it keeps the minds of the large masses quiet and at bay, and it allows the ruling establishment to keep on doing what they're doing without major disturbances. فوقوا

Razar

Tue, 01/19/2010 - 05:59

To Proud Creationist:

I don't get idiots like you. You use the word "Gay" to mean "anything bad". Why do you do this? Are you aware that homophobia is often a form of projection? That means that you make fun of other people for being gay because you are gay yourself, and you hate that part of yourself but can't admit it. So instead of dealing with it, you just poke hatred at others.

Anyway, I'm going to employ the company that Amr is setting up, and have all his "prayer-people" pray that G-d turns all your loved ones gay overnight, to help you deal with your issues : )

Other than that, I thought this article was well thought out, and well written, and was a hoot!!! Keep em coming lads.

Anonymous

Tue, 05/18/2010 - 22:54

Razar

Please choke on a big fat c*** :)

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